For many years now, the author has maintained a 100% strike rate at achieving New Year’s resolutions. However, it wasn’t always this way. Like most people, the essayist has had his fair share of failures.
His first attempt at a New Year’s resolution was in 1971, when at the age of 7, he unsuccessfully attempted to give up casting a shadow. He spent New Year’s Day out the front of his house: the unseasonably overcast conditions filling him with false hope. However, as soon as the streetlights flickered on, his dreams were dashed.
He followed that with a quest to give up blinking in 1972; using consonants in 1973 & using his teeth in 1974. It wasn’t until he eschewed referring to himself in the first person in 1975, that he finally had a win. But it was to be a false dawn for the Daimler: His failures mounted up throughout his childhood, as he futilely set unattainable targets.
In 1987 he had a crack at giving up living in the 1980’s, but he was ahead of his time. Unperturbed he tried again in ’88 & ’89, with predictably poor results. Tragically with success in his sites, the Daminator gave up on his dream in 1990.
After years of beating himself up, the Damolient finally realised that it didn’t need to be this way. While he prided himself on setting himself tricky challenges, his fruitless labours had brought him no joy. He knew it was time to flick the switch to ‘Highly Achievable New Year’s Resolutions.’
Aware that he was still emotionally brittle from years of aborted trials, he decided he would just set himself just one ludicrously manageable task per year. Since that time, the Dam-Meister has had a 100% hit rate!
Below is the roll of honour. Feel free to borrow from any of the Dam Busters victories.
1991 Don’t ‘Rap’ in Old Norse.
1992 Don’t send a fax to any of the Bronte Sisters.
1993 Avoid small talk with people you are yet to meet.
1994 No purchasing of Datsun 120Y car parts.
1995 Don’t cook crumpets by harnessing the fire of a dragon.
1996 Don’t try out for the Bulgarian Women’s Weightlifting Team at the Barcelona Olympics.
1997 Don’t attempt to locate the source of the Nile River in Dubbo.
1998 Don’t take Nana to the vet.
1999 Don’t join the Kelly Gang.
2000 Don’t attend a reunion for the 1996 Bulgarian Women’s Olympic Weightlifting Team.
2001 Avoid being canonised as a saint by the Holy Catholic Roman Church
2002 Don’t become National President of the CWA.
2003 Don’t lend David Beckham your textas.
2004 Don’t tuck the curtains into your undies.
2005 Avoid MySpace.
2006 Don’t host a Tupperware Party at the Vatican.
2007 Don’t enrol your Tamogotchi at a childcare centre.
2008 Don’t take the term ‘throw rug’ literally.
2009 Don’t make risotto for a spoken word poet.
2010 Don’t put vegemite on a Rotarian.
2011 Don’t ride an accountant to work.
2012 Don’t let Shakespeare join your pub trivia team.
2013 Don’t enter a gravy boat into a sailing regatta.
2014 Don’t yarn bomb an actual bomb.
2015 Don’t try to catch a train with wicket keeping gloves
2016 Don’t try to climb ladders in stockings.
2017 Don’t use a rubber duck as a contraceptive device.
2018 Don’t put paternity leaves in the compost bin.
2019 Don’t make plans to travel for 2020.
2020 Don’t go out.
2021 Don’t wear pants in Zoom meetings.
2022 Tentatively re-enter society.
2023 Start a Substack, but don’t fall into the trap of writing lists
I can’t claim full ownership of the ‘Highly Achievable Resolution Template’. There are indeed many historical precedents dotted through the annals of time. In 1534, Henry the VIII, King of England, France & Lord of Ireland gave up Catholicism & by direct causality in 1535, St Thomas More, the English Lord Chancellor, gave up having a head.
Here are some documented resolutions written by fellow exponents of the HAR model with varying degrees of historical impact.
1848 – Karl Marx – ‘Finish that book about Commu-something or other.
1934 – Mao Tse Tsung – ‘Start exercising. Begin with a good long walk.’
1660 – Isaac Newton – ‘Plant some apple trees at Woolsthorpe Manor’
218 AD – Hannibal, Cathaginian General – ‘Find a use for the elephants Imilce gave me for Christmas.’
1932 – Amelia Earhart – ‘Get more fresh, Atlantic air’
1429 – Joan of Arc – ‘Head to Orleans & see if the French Army need a hand defeating the English’
1914 – Archduke Frank Ferdinand, heir apparent, Austro-Hungarian Empire – ‘Must holiday in Sarejevo’
Happy New Year from The Daminstrator
Love this to bits ❤ HNY and thank you for the Damiable magic
Looking for 2024 suggestions?