Unlikely Friends
At this year’s Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I’ll be premiering a new show, Unlikely Friends at Comedy Republic in Bourke St in Melbourne’s CBD. Here’s the blurb …
Frida Kahlo and Genghis Khan met at Schoolies. Monet and Lady Di bonded at F45 classes. Plato and Ned Kelly walked the Camino together. Damian Callinan hosts an improvised chat show with a rotating duo of the world's best comedians, improvisors and actors taking on historical roles as they reinvent the past, revealing how they became Unlikely Friends.
The three-time nominee for the Melbourne Comedy Festival’s Most Outstanding Show, returns to his improv roots in the world premiere of a new format that will be later released as a podcast. Having armed themselves with whatever Wikipedia has to say on their back story, the guests enter the fray, armed only with their wits as Damo takes them through the highs and lows of their friendship. In this context the Unlikely Friends, live in a quasi-immortal, hyper reality where all famous people dwell in any timeline of their choosing. This inevitably leads to the big questions: Who played Goal Attack in Joan of Arc and Houdini’s mixed netball team? Why was Florence Nightingale banned from attending Hannibal’s Tupperware parties? Did Silvia Plath and Bodacea really make out at Glastonbury? As Shakespeare said, ‘Most friendship is feigning, most loving is folly’, but he also said, ‘I give Queen Victoria six months, tops!’ so I wouldn’t go building a show around his predictions.
In preparation for the show, I’ve reached out to some of my historical mates to see if they’d share the dirt on their Unlikely Friends. The results have been surprising.
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‘It was Pico’s idea to go on the Contikki Holiday day in New Zealand in the first place. ‘Let’s do a bunji jump’, he says’. It’ll be like doing speed‘, he says‘. In the end, I volunteered to go first, partly because I was keen to get it over and done with, but also cos the Maori guy who was strapping the cord around everyone’s legs was a massive hottie!! He was under my bustle for quite a while fitting the bunji, and I didn’t mind one bit. My Catholic God - The jump was incredible. It was more exhilarating than having your husband knocked off. I loved the shit out of it. Anyway, I was waiting down the bottom for Pabs to have his jump and the next thing I know, he’s standing beside me. The softcock had pussed out!! I went to ask him why his pants were a bit wet, even though he didn’t jump, then I noticed that the wetness was isolated to a certain area. I’m not proud of it, but the nickname Pisscasso Pants stuck for the rest of the tour.’
Mary Queen of Scots on Pablo Picasso.
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‘He never cooked. He never did the dishes. He never vacuumed. I mean good on him, he inspired a nation to victory in the biggest war the world has known, but for some reason Churcho thought his reputation and his gift for oratory would compensate for his lack of effort around the share house. But I can tell you for nothing, a well-executed rally to arms doesn’t make a filthy shower any F%&#*^ cleaner. I mean, I discovered radium, mobile XRay machines & a means of measuring radioactivity, but I still found time to cook a stir fry, mow the lawns and clean the shitter. Officially he only had one job – put the bins out. General waste every Tuesday & Recycling & Green Bins every second Tuesday. But do you think he’d remember? No! Oh yes, he could remember to order the D-Day landings & didn’t miss collecting his Nobel prize, but do you think he could push a 40 litre wheely bin 10 metres out into the footpath. The few times he did do it, I had to go out and sort out his mess. I don’t know how many times I had to tell Winnie - just because there’s cheese stuck to the pizza box lid, it doesn’t go in the green bin!’
Marie Curie on Winston Churchill.
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‘I’d always said that I’d rather succumb to the black death than join an all-women’s community choir, but Henry had bought me 10 sessions as a Christmas present, and after what happened to two of his first five wives, I didn’t want to give him any excuses. The name alone nearly made me do a little vom in my mouth. Who drafts a list of choir names & finally settles on Trill Seekers? While the group starting butchering, Talking Heads ‘Road to Nowhere’, I managed to sneak my way up the back to avoid the choir master’s prying eyes and ears. That’s when I noticed Emily doing the same thing. She’d come along to research characters for her long awaited second novel. She thought that she’d be safely unrecognisable in North Hobart, but the ‘Booknookers’ with their pink rimmed glasses, anodised metal jewellery and Gorman dresses were onto her straight away. She had a clutter of them surround her at the vegan macaron table & badgered her about her choice of using multiple narrators in Wuthering Heights. She pretended she needed to have a slash and scarpered. We both decided we’d sneak out and go to the pub. We knocked of a bottle of Tamar Valley Pinot Gris at The Crescent and we’ve been mad mates ever since. We’re going to see Kylie at the Venetian in Vegas next week.’ Catherine Parr, the 6th wife of Henry the 8th on Gothic novelist Emily Bronte.
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‘Due to her attitude towards the coal miners during the strikes of 1984/85, the perception was that Madge hated the working class, but I once saw her tip a male stripper at Amelia Earhart's going away party. She even let Spartacus keep the tank that he briefly drove in The Falklands War. Meg was actually very generous.'
Andrew Barton 'Banjo' Patterson on Margaret Thatcher.
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'He made a beeline for me across the bowling alley lanes. I'm a babe with a black bob, heavy eyeliner & a split hem with legs going on for epochs, so I'm used to the attention. However, Robbo was different: quite charming and funny in fact. Most Australian PM's bore me to tears, or are flat out weirdos like Tony Abbott, but RM was a great raconteur. His story about game fishing off Port Douglas with Rasputin was hilarious. Once I realised that he had a thing for Queen Elizabeth the 1st & he didn't want to get into my see through shift, we became mates. Our families still go camping by the Euphrates at New Years.'
Cleopatra, (Queen of the Ptolemaic Kingdom of Egypt) on Sir Robert Menzies, (Australia's longest serving PM)
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'Vicky & I hit it off from the start. We were on opposing paint ball teams at St Francis of Assissi's bucks weekend. I trapped her behind an elm tree & told her that the game was up, but she wasn't one for surrendering our Vicko. Before I could react, she commmando rolled out & fired off 3 shots straight at my crown jewels. 'Strike 3 DiMaggio, you massive plonker!' We've been inseparable ever since.'
Joe DiMaggio on Queen Victoria (Monarch of Great Britain & Ireland)
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If you live in Melbourne, or happen to be visiting during the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, come and join me as some of Australia’s most talented performers reinvent history from March 30 to April, 2024 at Comedy Republic. You can order your Unlikely Friends tickets here.
Brilliant bro!!