THE BALLAD OF THE CHRISTMAS CRACKER HAT
As Brett pulled up outside his wife’s family home,
He took a long, deep breath
‘Cos he knew he was only moments away
From seeing his brother-in-law Geoff
Carol, Bec’s mum was always friendly,
Her dad Jim was nothing but class,
But his sister-in-law’s dead-shit husband,
Was a massive pain in the arse.
He always quaffed Brett’s quality reds,
But he never brought a drop
And if you got him started on Crypto,
The man would never stop
His competitive streak was next level,
He always stirred the pot
If Brett had picked up a new surfboard,
Then Geoff had bought a yacht
Brett sussed out the dining table,
The seating plan was set
He moved his name tag away from Geoff’s
To avoid a day of regret
Brett was happy when they all sat down
Cos Geoff was out of range
But Inspector Gadget defied the odds
And nicked his bottle of Grange
The time came to pull the crackers
And the hats were temporarily worn
But soon they lay discarded,
Some crumpled, others torn
Brett decided he would take his off,
as sweat dripped down his face
But as he looked along the table,
He spied Geoff’s was still in place
The pair made eye contact across the room
And without the need to say,
A competition kicked off there & then
To see whose hat would last the day
Through prawn cocktails they remained in place,
After roast turkey they were still intact,
But by Christmas pud, they were worse for wear
So, they agreed on a rebuilding pact
Carol’s craft box & Jim’s shed,
Were raided by the lads
Geoff even went through the bathroom
And came out with sanitary pads
Brett used gaffer tape & blu-tac,
Sprinkled glitter for a bit of fun,
But Geoff went even further
Using the lathe & a hot glue gun
The updated hats survived a bounce on the tramp
And a game of backyard cricket
But Brett nearly lost his renovated crown
Taking a pearler at deep mid-wicket
There was one last challenge for the lads to face
From that they could not hide
For one of the family traditions
Was a post lunch slip & slide
They gathered at the top of the hill
On victory they were hell-bent
Whose hat would still remain attached
After making that tricky descent
Geoff went first & nailed it
His crown was not displaced
Brett’s slide was also successful
But lost half the skin on his face
The festivities had now come to an end
It was time to head out the door
The combatants nodded respectfully
It was clear they’d played out a draw
When Brett got home with his hat was still on
Bec said it was time for it to go,
But he couldn’t bring himself to take it off
And told her flat out no
She said fair enough, it’s up to you
You’re free will is not in dispute,
But if it stays on when we hit the sack,
You’re unlikely to get a root
Brett ripped the crown off immediately
and leapt straight into the bed,
His face a mottled bottle green,
From where the dye had bled
The pair slipped beneath the doona
And soon began to snog
Bec said, bloody hell! Turn out the lights
You look like the Kermit the frog
Nine months later a child was born
They called her Grace Irene
Brett celebrated by wearing a paper hat
A verdant shade of green
Brett & Geoff get on better now
From bickering they now refrain
Brett even puts up with Geoffrey rants
About dealing with blockchain
They’ve unofficially called a truce,
They largely do behave,
But if Geoff gets into Brett’s Grange again,
He’ll end up in a shallow grave.