'Hey Hivemind - Second Punic War against the Romans is going great, thanks for asking. Just wondering if anyone else has tried to cross the Pyrenees & the Alps with an army and elephants before?! Any tips on best routes, tavern recos, friendly Gallic tribes & how to deal with those pesky two faced Centrones will be much appreesh. Really keen to reach the Po Valley without my entire fighting force already devo'd.'
General Hannibal, Carthagian Commander in Chief
'Hey Hivemind - Getting a bit despo here. Having a few over & the guest list has totes blown out. Up to 5000! Ouch! All I've got is a few loaves of bread & some iffy fish. Any recipe ideas for the Messiah Guy to make things stretch will be moocho appreciato! Need a miracle here.'
Jesus L Christ, Nazareth
'Hey Hivemind - I'm in Rouen. Chocolate eclairs are heaven, but they could ease up on the church bell ringing: Girl is getting a head ache. Anyways, totes awks, but got myself arrested by the English for Heresy. They reckon cos I dress like a dude, see visions & only answer to the will of God, I'm heretic as!! Things are looking a bid dodge, so wondering if anyone has any mates with legal aid contacts in Normandy or thereabouts. They're firing up the Weber in Vieux-Marche & it looks like I might be the kindling.'
Jeanne D'arc, Maid of Orleans
Hey Hivies! - Thinking of trying to be the first person to reach the South Pole! Can I even? Turns out that Norwegian dude Amundsen has totes stolen my idea, so need to get a wriggle on. Apparently ol' Mundy has got his guys wearing furs, goggles, snow shoes, carrying sufficient rations & giving his dog teams adequate rest. Ha! - Way to come second! We'll be fine squinting in our water absorbing, non-breathable wool jumpers and loafers. Anyone had luck crossing glaciers with ponies? Worth a shot yeah?'
Captain Robert Falcon Scott, Terra Nova Expedition
'Yo Hivemind - Upside - Great result for Greece in the Battle of Marathon - Go us! Downside - Just noticed a Persian ship setting sail to Athens to falsely claim victory - bummer! Wondering if I can hitch a lift with someone heading to the Classic City, so I can pop into the Ekklesia & let the citizens know what really went down. Someone suggested running, but not really my thang. Happy to share the driving.'
Pheidippides, Athenian Herald
'Hey Hivemind - Anyone know anything about building freestanding cathedral towers? I might have f%$*# up here'
Diotisalvi (Diotisalvi & Sons Architects, Pisa)
This is so great. V funny
Great haha