‘Hey Hive Monkeys - Henri Matisse & I got on the beers & bongs last night & got properly munted. After we smashed some kebabs on the way back to my studio, Henri challenged me to a ‘portrait off.’ I’d forgotten all about it until I woke this morning & found this. Jesus wept! I was gonna chuck it, but Henri reckons peeps are into this F$%#ed up stuff now. Should I get back on the sherbets & gummies & start rolling these out, or go back to the anatomically correct shit I learnt at the Royal Academy in Madrid?
‘Hey Hivemind – Thanks for all the suggestions on how to create mankind. I was totes getting nowhere with grass & twigs, but moulding them out of clay was genius. Much appreesh! Massive shout out to Athena for bringing them to life by breathing on humanity. Run into some probs though. Zeus, the A-Grade dickhead, has withheld fire from the mortals, so they are freezing their tits off & can’t cook. I want to give them fire, but I need to keep things on the hush hush. If the Z God finds it, he’ll lose his shit. He keeps banging on about Pandora. I don’t know what the f*&% is in her box, but it sure ‘aint Cadbury Roses. Any ideas on how to stash the fire? My bro Epimetheus suggested hiding it in a fennel bush, but he made the platypus and the elephant yesterday, so he’s not in great form ATM.' - Prometheus, God of Fire.
‘Hey Hivemind - Thinking of finally getting some drumming lessons. I had to look after my nan on the weekend & my band went & played some gigs in Hamburg without me. I might be paranoid, but everyone keeps banging on about how great the replacement guy was. Anyway, can’t hurt to sharpen up on the ol’ sticks hey? … so hit me up with any recos for drum teachers.’ - Pete Best, Liverpool
'Hey Hivemind. Has anyone tried building a wall across Provincia Brittanica? Thinking of popping one up to keep those pesky barbarians out. The Scots are bad enough, but the Picts are next level annoying. Thinking about building it at the skinniest bit from Bowness-on-Solway in the west to Wallsend in the east. The name right - LOL! Any recos for guys that do walls? Keen to get some quotes ASAP. Had a Pict shit in my caladarium last night. If this doesn’t work out, we may need to Brexitus' – Hadrian, Emperor of Rome
‘Hey Hivemeisters - Taking ‘The Hindenburg’ for a spin across the Atlantic. Helium or Hyrdogen?’ - Ludwig Durr, Lufftshiffbau Zeppelin
‘Hey Hivies. Thanks for all the well wishes & care packages. The Greeks have skedaddled, so the siege is over. Phew! The duffers have left behind a big giant horse thingy. Sinon, the sole remaining Greek soldier, says it was supposed to be a gift to Athena. Maybe it’s her birthday or something? Anyway, I’d hate for them to have gone to so much effort and for to her miss out on her weirdly large pressie. We’re still not exactly on speaking terms at the mo’, so if anyone is chatting to the ol’ Greco, head honchos, let ‘em know we’re gonna drag it inside the city walls for safe keeping until someone comes to collect it.’ - King Priam of Troy
Nice balancing act of mine to read Hive Minds straight after Nick Cave’s Red Hand Files. (Like having a green salad followed by a hot jam donut; a snotty cr then a wee-knickers laugh; reading Rumi then a really bad coupla similies. You get the drift.) Thanks for the perks.