'Gods Are A Grey Area'
‘I’m going to the bar,’ Admiral Horatio Nelson, pushed his seat back from the table and scanned his drinking companions. ’Who’s up for another?’
‘I’ll have a Guinness,’ replied St Patrick, surprising no-one.
‘Blood Mary for me!’ chimed Mary Queen of Scots.
‘Ooh, kahlua and milk please Hori daring!’ Cleopatra cooed, then blew the English naval legend a kiss
‘I’m going slow tonight,’ John the Baptist said, gesturing to his half full glass of shandy. ‘Don’t want to lose my head again.’
‘I’ll have another Pimms, Horatio,’ Lady Di smiled. ‘But I’ll come and give you a hand’ she added, gesturing to the Admirals empty right sleeve pinned to his shoulder.
‘Thanks Diana,’ Lord Nelson replied. ‘You really are a sweetheart.’ The two made towards the bar, but Nelson turned back as an afterthought. ‘Are you still OK on the water, Jesus?’
‘Yeah, I’m good,’ the Messiah responded tapping his glass of mahagony red water.’
‘It’s a great trick,’ whispered Horatio as he and Di, made their way through the crowd. ‘But would it kill him to shout one round?’
‘Or at least let us in on the magic water thing!’ Di muttered through gritted teeth. ‘And if he tells one more fucken parable, I’m off to Bunnings for supplies for his next crucifixion.’
‘I’d be more than happy to chip in a few sovereigns’
Opening night of Unlikely Friends at Comedy Republic was busier than expected, and Di & Horatio found themselves three deep at the bar, as the over worked bar staff tried to deal with some of the more challenging orders.
‘What do you mean you don’t serve Kumis,’ boomed Genghis Khan. ‘What kind of bar doesn’t have fermented mare’s milk in stock?’
‘What, not even virgin’s blood?’ Vlad the Impaler scoffed. ‘I’m going to the Gin Palace. Come on Pablo, they have more absinthe options there anyway.’
‘I may be drunk Miss, but in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be …’
‘Righto Winston,’ Frida Kahlo cut him off. ‘Enough of your sexist calendar quotes. Butt out your cigar, finish your Highball & take your misogyny for a walk to the taxi rank.’ The Mexican painter ran a tight bar and brooked no bull shit. She’d already thrown Dean Martin out for getting handsy with Anne Boleyn.
A chorus of giggles turned Di and Horatio’s attention to the other end of the venue. Three young women in gowns, shawls and bonnets sat in the thrall of a man thrashing around in a padlocked, straight jacket.
‘Easy crowd those Bronte Sisters,’ scoffed Lady Di. ‘Houdini tried that shit on me before, but I told him to piss off.’
‘Who is the guy with the bucket on his head talking to Coco Chanel?’ asked Horatio.
‘That’s Ned Kelly.’
‘And the guy in khaki shorts, showing his python to the nun?’
‘Steve Irwin & Mary McKillop.’
‘Why have I never heard of them?’ the Admiral frowned. ‘Isn’t ‘Unlikely Friends’ supposed to feature ‘famous people’ from history?
‘That’s the Australian’s table,’ explained Di. ‘They’re only famous here, but I guess they’ve been selected to make the local audiences feel important.’
‘Who owns the horse?’
‘Phar Lap is here on his own merits’
Finally, a space cleared, and the pair squeezed and jostled their way to the front.
‘What are you having?’ asked Frida.
‘Martini, shaken not stirred,’ said a guy in a dinner suit shamelessly pushing in.
‘Oi!’ Frida yelled. ‘Can’t you read?!’ she pointed up to the ‘No Fictional Characters’ sign above the bar.
‘What about her?’ James Bond gestured to where Aphrodite was pashing Florence Nightingale, next to the merch table.
‘Gods are a grey area,’ Frida explained.
James Bond shrugged and left with a dejected looking Lady Macbeth trailing behind him
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The World Premiere season of Unlikely Friends runs from March 30 to April 21, 2024 at Comedy Republic as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Guests include Tom Gleeson, Wil Anderson, Michelle Brasier, Geraldine Hickey, Ivan Aristaguieta, Rusty Berther, Claire Hooper & Gillian Cosgriff.
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