"DARCY UP" THE DIALOGUE.
With the Complete Perks Blog in its infancy and barely able to walk without holding on to a sturdy piece of furniture, there are no restrictions on content for free Subscriptions. This will likely be the case at least until I can get from the coffee table to the antique glass cabinet unassisted. Whereupon, I will get out the ‘good stuff’ and leave a trail of literary destruction. However, for the time being I wanted to offer paid subscribers some morsel of gratitude for their gesture.
Over the coming weeks I’ll be emailing paid members offering them the opportunity to make suggestions for posts. It could be a theme, a genre, a topic, a word, even a challenge. I began the process by contacting the First Foundation Member, Kelly Hardiman and this was her response …
‘Unleash the rants, the haikus, and everything betwixt. I am here for it! Not sure what to suggest... I do always enjoy your ‘Austeneque’ work though. Never fight the urge to "Darcy up" the dialogue.’
The quality of that final sentence compelled me to ask if she had a blog I could read. She does. I read it. It’s very good, but in hiatus. Get back on the shire horse Hardiman! However, to honour the construct of those brilliantly constructed 9 words, I have accepted this challenge.
However, before I take a step through the French doors to take a turn around the Austen, let me give you some context for why Miss Hardiman has made this suggestion. During Melbourne’s world record 262 days of pandemic lockdowns , I chose to use Facebook to provide some levity for my fellow Melbourne inmates. One such outlet was Jane Austen’s Melbourne Pandemic Chronicles.
Here are some examples of the genre.
[NB – for context, the Dr Sutton referred to was Melbourne’s Chief Medical Officer and has been added to the panoply of characters in world of ‘Pride & Prejudice’]
Jane Austen’s Melbourne Pandemic Chronicles #1
‘Mama! I have only now heard the splendid news from Dr Sutton, that should the malady numbers continue to fall, I may, as an unwedded spinster, once more visit the estate of Miss Bingley at Basildon Park. If we were to meet upon the gardens, and not frequent the manor house, I could perchance venture to take Mary, Jane & Catherine as companions. The hours may not exceed 2 & the number of the party may not exceed 5. ’Tis to be a masked reunion, of that there can no equivocation: Dr Sutton is quite firm on the matter. Mama, I must insist that Lydia not be privy to our plans. Her fickleness is notorious & she would likely take flight with the nearest hipster that did pass by our entourage in pursuit of an errant toss of the frisbee.’
Jane Austen’s Melbourne Pandemic Chronicles #2
‘Mr Darcy, I must implore you to intercede on behalf of our family. If word were to permeate beyond the walls of Lambourn House, that my troublesome sister Lydia planned to nominate Mr Wycombe as her intimate partner, our family would be irreparably scandalised. You were right to question his character and I beg forgiveness in doubting the nobility of your intention. The man is a scoundrel and worthy only of the company of his single bubble. Perhaps you would grant me the honour of taking a turn around the gardens so that we might delineate a plan to bring his villainy to heel. Dr Sutton has assented approval of such social engagements, as long as the parties involved remain outdoors and maintain a constant distance of 4.92 feet for the period of the perambulation. What say you Mr Darcy? Alas, I find your mien difficult to read behind your herringbone, tweed mask.’
Jane Austen’s Melbourne Pandemic Chronicles #3
'Mama, our minds are quite made up on the matter. Mr Darcy is indeed a most agreeable gentleman of noble intention, kindly disposition & exemplary standing. He has made clear how ardently he loves & admires me, and I have conveyed the reciprocation of my affections in the most emphatic terms. However, we are in agreement that, until such time as government restrictions on weddings are eased, we shall not engage in a nuptial ceremony. An outdoor wedding with numbers limited to 5 simply will not do. I know Jane Austen novels always end with the female protagonist blissfully entering holy matrimony, but on this occasion the reader will have to settle with Miss Eliza Bennett moving into Pemberley with Mr Darcy in a de facto circumstance. I believe that the unchecked contagion that has beset the counties, will mitigate any lingering scandal. You & papa will be most welcome to visit once the ban on non-essential travel beyond 3.11 miles has been lifted.'
I have taken this challenge as literally as possible and decided to ‘Darcy up the dialogue’ of a classic Australian TV show. Created by John McCallum, Lee Robinson and Lionel Austin, ninety-one episodes of ‘Skippy’ appeared on Australian TV screens from 1968 to 1970. A full-length feature ‘Skippy and the Intruders’ was also released in 1969 at the peak of the show’s popularity. The show followed the adventures of a young boy (Sonny) and is highly intelligent pet kangaroo (Skippy). The storylines revolved around the fictional Waratah National Park where he lived with his park ranger father (Matt) and elder brother (mark). The main characters were rounded out by chopper pilot (Gerry) and token female (Clancy) who boarded with the Hammonds.
In the following iteration, I have redrawn the characters to fit the purposes of Austenication. Here are the character thumbnails.
Master Hammond – The Master of Mansfield National Park is a taciturn patriarch whose diminishing mental faculties and violent outbursts, threaten the safety of his family.
Miss Clancy – The heroine of the story, she holds the disintegrating family together with mental acuity and guile. Finding herself as the sole female in all male world, to protect to honour, she must deflect romantic entreaties, whilst still stoking the ego of the patriarch.
Master Mark – Heir to Mansfield National Park, he lives in his father’s considerable shadow. Lacking his Papa’s physical prowess, his attempts to win favour with Miss Clancy have thus far proven ineffectual.
Master Sonny – As the ‘Spare’, he is largely ignored by his father and spends his time gallivanting around the park with his marsupial companion.
Master Jerry – The park gamekeeper spends much of his time in the air in his chopper, seeking out more hunting quarry for his patron.
SKIPPY PLAYS CROQUET
EXT. DAY. MANSFIELD NATIONAL PARK HQ
Master Mark & Clancy are engaged in a genteel game of croquet on the green, whilst Sonny & Master Hammond prepare to do a spot of live game shooting. Master Mark’s attempt to hit the ball with his mallet is calamitous. It careens off the green in entirely the wrong direction.
MARK: Oh, curse my imperfect endeavours. I’m afraid my dearest Clancy, that I am proving to be a dismal opponent.
CLANCY: Ne’er you mind Master Mark. I believe on this occasion, that your errant swing may have been addled by a zephyr that cast through as you were taking your shot.
MARK: Your kindness humbles me. I will brook no excuses for my lamentable showing. I must inform you Miss Clancy, I have grown much enamoured of you these past weeks and most ardently I wish to ...
MASTER HAMMOND: Pull!
Sonny pulls a lever and a shutter opens on a wooden crate. A score of native ducks are suddenly released into the sky. Master Hammond starts firing indiscriminately in multiple directions. Master Mark dives for cover and takes Miss Clancy down with him. They are showered with feathers and blood. Miss Clancy disengages herself from the entanglement.
SONNY: Exemplary marksmanship father!
A duck falls onto the croquet green and lands in one of the gates.
CLANCY: I believe Master Hammond’s adroitness with the musket has created a new sport altogether. Duquet, is the new game & I declare you its first champion Master Hammond.
MASTER DRUMMOND: Pull!
The lever on the second box is pulled. Once more Master Hammond fires recklessly. More ducks plummet to their death, as does a koala from a nearby ornamental eucalypt.
SONNY: Oh no! Father has slain yet another Koala.
MASTER DRUMMOND: Grieve it not. Look at the furry strumpet’s sex addicted eyes. The harpy was addled with Chlamydia!
Master Hammond’s gaze returns to the sky
MASTER HAMMOND: I shall track down the last of these recalcitrant fouls before the sun sets on this day.
Master Hammond stomps off, firing incautiously, as Skippy bounds from the forest and onto the croquet green.
SKIPPY: Tut tut tut
SONNY: What say you Skippy? ... A clandestine coterie of criminals are venturing to smuggle rare birds from the demesne?
SKIPPY: Tut tut tut
SONNY: Nay, my initial supposition was errant. I believe Master Skippy is saying that a perambulator visiting our estate, has happened upon a viper and the infirmity brought on by the venom, sees his life in the balance.
SKIPPY: Tut tut tut
MARK: If I may be so bold as to contradict these deductions, I believe that our macropodidae companion is suggesting that Miss Clancy’s honour has been compromised by our entanglement on the lawn. Master Skippy continued on to recommend that we immediately announce our engagement and wed before the passing of the next moon, lest Miss Clancy’s probity be irreparably sullied.
CLANCY: Master Mark. This clumsy attempt to force my hand in marriage will fail as miserably as your previous coercions. I would sooner wed the chlamydia cursed koala cadaver.
SKIPPY: Tut tut tut
CLANCY: Really? This is indeed a troubling development.
Clancy turns around and Master Sonny & Mark’s eyes follow to where Master Hammond can be seen aiming at the incoming park helicopter.
CLANCY: Master Hammond!! Lower your musket!! Pray sir, that is not a duck.
He hears her not and fires off several shots at the chopper, which soon spirals out of control and crashes thereafter on the croquet green. Clancy, Sonny & Mark run to the rescue as a bloodied Master Jerry staggers from the wreckage. The seemingly unconcerned Master Hammond belatedly ambles over.
CLANCY: Master Sonny, summon a physician with haste!
Gerry’s eyes roll back and he begins to topple
MASTER MARK: I fear it may be too late!
Master Jerry collapses on the grass. His head wedges in a croquet gate.
MASTER HAMMOND: Huzzah! A human must be worth double points!! What say you Miss Clancy?
SKIPPY: Tut tut tut
They all laugh, including the barely conscious Master Jerry. However, Master Hammond is unamused.
MISS CLANCY: You’re quite right Master Skippy. Master Hammond’s behaviour in this affair, and the pomposity which crowned it, therefore, may be held forth as the best evidence to hand that supports the notion that he is indeed a dullard of inestimable scale.
They all laugh again. Master Hammond walks off shooting at clouds.
This makes my yearn for Python. (Esp the ‘Anyone for tennis?’ sketch.) Can a blog become a sketch show? Pleeeeease??? 👍🏻 ( I wouldn’t mind a Dr Damian Suess, if we’re putting in requests.)
Excellent! I’d like you to write up Jordan de Goey’ send of season trip to Bali in the style of Cormac McCarthy’s ‘The Road’