I used to be coy about canvassing my achievements in the form of an annual retrospective. As my fingers hovered over the keyboard, I would hesitate: Surely such self-congratulatory regurgitations are the domain of the insecure or the narcissistic. Conversely, what if the people who are voraciously reading of my triumphs, have their own ambitions nobbled by the sheer weight of my accomplishments.
However, at such times when humility threatens to overwhelm my natural instinct to batter my own saveloy, I reflect back to my younger self. It must be hard for you to imagine that the man whose portmanteau overflows with triumphs, could have possibly lingered in the realm of failure, so let me paint you the picture.
There he sits alone, tears running down his cheeks and blood trickling from his skinned knees, towards unknotted shoes. That boy, that day, wondered if he would ever be able to tie his laces like the other Year 9 boys. Sure, there were several more years of tangled frustration and countless beatings, but he was finally able to proudly walk to school without the intercession of his mum, or a bewildered stranger. I held my head high that day as I walked through the school gates ignoring the taunts about the felcro slip-ons, and I hold my head high now as I offer you my 2023 achievements. This is by no means a definitive list: there are limits to my immodesty.
January
Hoovered the Hoover Dam; fixed the louvre windows at the Louvre & had a chardy at the Shard
February
Changed all the light bulbs in the Northern Lights; moved the equator further south so it wouldn’t overheat & organised scabbards for the Forest of Knives in Madagascar
March
Coped in Copenhagen; Romed Rome; got bored in Bordeaux; took stock in Stockholm; had a nap in Napoli & got glassed in Glasgow
April
Finished Hadrian’s Wall; corrected some spelling mistakes in Anne Frank’s diary & gave the Shroud of Turin a much-needed tumble wash & dry.
May
Got Thor to join a Men’s Shed to deal with his anger management issues; got Bacchus into AA & Aphrodite into a sex addiction support group.
June
Had a word with the RSPCA about the Four Horses of the Apocalypse being over ridden (They’ve now been agisted in Coldstream in the Yarra Valley)
July
Spoke to Arnotts about packaging Tim Tams in even numbers; increasing the size of Tiny Teddies & tweaking the Iced Vovo to have more vovo & less ice.
August
Quietish, but made enquiries about joining the Kelly Gang.
September
I surveyed results on whether or not The Clash should stay or go; found out where the children play so Cat Stevens could join & finally got Tom Jones to put the knife down & stop asking Delilah to explain herself.
October
I explained to Travis that it doesn’t just rain on them; had to break it to Joe Jackson that yes, she was indeed going out with him & eventually made it clear to The Cure, why they can’t be me.
November
Suggested to the Rolling Stones that they use the doorbell if they can’t hear you knocking; told 4 Non Blondes that birds, clouds & helicopters are part of a long list of things that can potentially be ‘up’ & told Joan Jett that it would be inappropriate for me to touch her.
December
Had to break it to The Supremes that was I unaware of the whereabouts of their love; gave a similar response to The Pixies who were having trouble keeping track of their mind & came to an agreement with the Beach Boys that it would indeed be nice.
Good to hear you blowing your own trumpet for a change - spittle-sharing is gross - despite how inadequate I now feel. The only thing I did all year was mowed Lorne.
July was a good month!